I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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