theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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