Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
