Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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