Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize