I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Brb crying the tears of my youth
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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