So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
found the other keg... it's in the tree
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
