I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
