I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
