I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
