I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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