Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My ATM looks so different sober.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
