There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
