When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
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He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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