I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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