You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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