Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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