awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
