I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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