Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
