Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
