saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
