sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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