i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
