i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
