so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
