oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
