6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
