you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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