Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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