I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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