i already hear my dad disowning me
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
