3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
