If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
