Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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