I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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