I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
