She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
