Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
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