Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
