There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
What drink are we having for lunch?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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