yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
