I hate all girls vehemently.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
