and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
