Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
