Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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