There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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