He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
