can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
ok first of all what the fuck
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
