Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
