oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You pole danced in your parka.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
