True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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