im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
