so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
