I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
