Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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